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Lydia
05 July 2020 @ 09:13 pm



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Lydia
24 January 2017 @ 04:02 pm
It's been a rough couple of months.

I was fully off the meds by early December, and felt terrible for the month surrounding that, but thankfully that faded before Christmas. Unfortunately, however, the Depression has only got worse since.

At first I thought it was just the after effects of the meds, it can take months to fully adjust, and I think initially that's all it was; I was crying every few days, and getting angry all the time. The last month though, it's changed; now I just feel like I'm stagnating. I can't focus on anything at all, I have no energy or motivation to do anything remotely productive.

Worst of all, I can't see any joy anywhere. Immediately my brain focuses in on the negatives of something, regardless of whether it's a good thing or not. On the odd occasion that I feel semi-alright, I find myself not wanting to admit it. I want to hide that away.

I also came to the worrying conclusion during a therapy session last week that being back home is only making it worse. When I first realised I was depressed, I moved back home with my parents, because it meant at least I was with other people, and not just isolated in my flat on my own all the time.

Now though, I just feel trapped here. I can't drive, and we live nowhere near any public transport links, so I have to rely on others to drive me places. I can't just do anything on my own. I can't just decide I want to go somewhere and go, and right now, I think that's what I really need, because I have terrible cabin fever all the time. I spend my days doing exactly the same thing, which is nothing, and I need a change of venue, or just a change, period.

I was watching this TEDx talk yesterday by Jessica Gimeno, in which she discusses some ways in which you can get things done even when Depression is trying to stop you. One of the key things she mentioned was 'urgency', that if you need/want to do something, you do it there and then, when you think of it, you don't leave it, because the longer you leave it the harder it is to actually do it.

The trouble is, I can't do stuff urgently because the process that is required to do so involves relying on someone else.

I don't feel like I'm living anymore. I just feel like I'm gradually counting down the seconds until I die, and I'm stuck in this vicious unchanged circle.

Up until recently, I regarded telling my mum about the Depression back in October 2015, as one of the hardest but best things I've done. Now though, I'm finding that part of me actually wishes I'd never told anyone. I don't feel like I can cry and be upset or angry anymore, because it's instantly about the Depression, and that's all my life is anymore. Every day, the first thing my mum asks me is how I am, and it's not a 'oh it's a new day, how are you?' kind of question. It's a 'you've got Depression, so how bad is it today?' kind of question. The depression has become all that my life is, and I don't know how to change that.

The therapist I've been seeing for a little over a year now, even she doesn't seem to really know how to help me anymore. I feel worse than I've done in years and yet she's started only seeing me once a month, and I have to push to get seen that often. I know I should change, I know I need a new therapist, but she's been so supportive, that the idea of starting again with someone else is just so overwhelming. I'm not the kind of person who openly talks about their feelings, I never have been, I probably never will be, so going to a therapist was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I don't know if I can go through that all over again with someone new.

I just feel so completely broken and lost, and no one seems to realise. I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and people can hear me but they're just not doing anything.

I know so much of getting over this is finding the strength in myself to do so, but I can't do that anymore. I'm exhausted, and lost and broken, and I need someone to help me, but no one is, and I don't know how much energy I have left to keep asking for help but not getting it.

And I know this whole post is a contradiction. That wanting everything to see I'm so broken, and yet not wanting everything to be about the deprssion, doesn't make sense, but it's like that's what it's like, but no one is seriously doing anything to help me, and I really really need someone to the help me right now.

I've no friends left. I thought maybe I might have some after I met up with a couple last summer for a wedding, but apparently not. And the worst thing about them is that I'd moved on, I'd thought that we were done as friends, we'd just drifted apart and that was life and I was okay with that, any hurt I once felt about that had gone and I'd movedon, and then out of the blue they get in contact again and keep it up and I tell them that I'm not in a great place, and I'm totally honest about everything that I've kept from them before, and they were supportive and were there for me, and then it just stopped again, and I don't have the energy I once had to keep trying. A couple of weeks ago I reached a point with Facebook where I just decided I was done with it, it just wasn't worth the energy. I think I posted something like 'i'm done' which okay was melodramatic and perhaps a blatant shout for attention, but that's where I am now. I go on occasionally still because there's a really good support group on there I'm a member of, but I haven't posted since, and no one's even noticed.

Actually that's a lie. One person did, and I think that made it harder, because the person that noticed, that messaged me multiple times to check I was okay. That send me voice messages, and gave me her phone number in case I just needed to talk, the one person who did that was a girl I spent all of two weeks with on an acting course one summer about six years ago. I've barely messaged or spoken to her once since, and yet she noticed, she reached out. Nothing from school friends or uni friends or friends I've known since childhood. That kind of says everything, doesn't it?

This post has turned into a complete blurt, but sometimes you just need to get it all out yknow.

I don't really know I posted this here. I'm getting flashbacks from years gone by when I wanted to ask for help but couldn't. The situation hasn't really changed, has it? The difference is now people actually know about it, but still don't know.

I just don't see an end to this. And I don't know how long I can cling onto the idea of not doing anything for the sake of not hurting others. My whole life I've not said and done things because I worried more about how others would feel than how I would by not saying/doing anything. And ironically that's what keeping me alive. How fucked up is that.
 
 
Lydia
20 October 2016 @ 05:00 pm
So I've decided to stop the meds. I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about it next week, but I'm pretty much certain at this point, that this is what I want to do. I've just reached my limit. The side-effects are just too much, and I can't cope with them anymore. I'm currently taking 9 pills a day, and only 4 of them are Anti-Depressants, the other 5 are all to counter the side-effects of the AD's!

I'm still going to continue with the therapy, which has been the one shining light in all this, because it does seem to work, and my therapist is so amazing, i'm really lucky there. But it says a lot that I'm willing to go through the horror of AD withdrawal, which can last for months, instead of continuing with taking them. I know I'm in for a rough ride, but if I wasn't already crazy, going through a year of taking shit that only makes me feel worse, and doesn't help whatsoever, would've driven me there anyway.

Maybe I'll decide I'm better off on them, but right now, I need a break. I feel like a walking test tube by this point, and nothing is worth feeling like this.
 
 
Lydia
18 August 2016 @ 09:40 pm
This post is a jumble of thoughts, a stream of consciousness, and it probably won't make much sense to anyone but myself, but I'm going to leave it here anyway, if only to stand as the perfect reflection of how confusing Depression can be, both to those who have it, and those who don't.

In my last post I mentioned I'd started going to therapy....Collapse )
 
 
Lydia
07 June 2016 @ 11:04 pm
It's been three years, but I can still smell the fresh paint....


I started this journal over ten years ago...Collapse )
 
 
 
Lydia
07 November 2012 @ 03:34 pm
  
 
 
Current Mood: chipperchipper
 
 
Lydia
17 April 2012 @ 01:59 pm
Harry Potter
1. What house are you? Gryffindor (Pottermore)
2. What's your favourite subject? Transfiguration
3. What's your blood type? Half-Blood

Glee
1. What's your audition song? In L.A. (Fame)
2. Who would you most like to slushie? Artie, because he can be pretty selfish sometimes.
3. Have you been in a love-triangle? No, they are the dullest stories on the show.

Doctor Who
1. What planet do you want to visit? The one where the mountains sway in the wind
2. Would you see the past or the future? The past, because I wouldn't want to the know the future before i'd lived it.
3. Which Doctor would you travel with? Eleven, because I reckon he'd be a good laugh.

Walt Disney
1. Which prince would you like to rescue you? Flynn Rider/Eugene...i know he's not a prince, but Joey <3
2. You have to have one song on repeat for 48 hours, which one would it be? Part of Your World
3. You're granted 3 wishes, what do you wish for? Future happiness. To have enough money to travel the world in style. Health and happiness for everyone in my life.

Sherlock
1. Wool: for coats or jumpers? Jumpers.
2. What exactly is your division? It's not ours is what it is.
3. They're about to do a drugs bust on your room! What do you hide? Laptop and EHD

All Fandoms
1. What was your first fandom? Lord of the Rings
2. What fandom have you most recently joined? Game of Thrones
3. What is your favourite fandom? Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit, because it's always really welcoming.

Live Journal
1. How long have you been on LJ? Six years
2. First line of your first post? I live in a suburban village in supposedly the richest part of Britain.
3. Describe your blog in 3 words. Incoherent, Diary, Mine
 
 
Current Mood: stressedstressed
 
 
Lydia
Originally posted by obstinatrix at To UK Flisties
Originally posted by de_nugis at To UK Flisties
(Taken most recently from amberdreams, slightly adapted.)

If you're from the UK and you believe in freedom of speech and an uncensored interenet, you really need to sign this petition. There are others floating about, but that particular one is the best way to ensure that your voice gets heard. It's hosted on the directgov website and addresses parliament directly. If it gets more than 100,000 signatures, it becomes eligible for discussion in the House of Commons.

Everyone's been getting so worked up over SOPA -- and rightly so -- that ACTA seems to have slipped under the radar. This is hugely problematic, because ACTA is a similar bill, but it has the potential to be far more damaging than SOPA ever could be.

Some people seem to have this misconception that ACTA is the 'European SOPA', but that simply isn't true. It's a global treaty, and it's already been signed by eight countries, including the US, Japan, New Zealand and Singapore. Europe votes on Thursday. If they vote 'no', the bill will have to be taken back to the drawing board and reformulated, which should buy us some time at the very least.

If you think this doesn't affect you, you're wrong. If ACTA passes, it could well signal the end of the internet as we know it, and that isn't an exaggeration. It's not just about watching movies and television online. If ACTA passes, sites like YouTube, Livejournal, Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook and even Google and Wikipedia could become impossible to maintain. ACTA would allow ISPs to monitor your net activity and cut off internet access for your entire household if one person is suspected of breaching copyright. Think Big Brother is Watching. I don't think I need to emphasise just how damaging it can be to be without internet access in this day and age, when we rely so heavily on technology.

It's not only bloggers and fandom that would be affected, either. Small businesses, independent film-makers and unsigned musicians who have previously found their niche online would also suffer hugely, and would be at risk of being bullied into submission by Hollywood and multinational corporations under accusations of copyright infringement. All those artists who found fame by uploading covers of songs to YouTube would never have had the opportunity to do so under ACTA, as those cover versions would be prohibited.

I know the internet has its problems, but to my mind it's the single greatest invention to come out of modern times, and it would be an absolute travesty if we were to lose that now. From a personal point of view, I can't even put into words how important this is to me. I've met some of my closest friends through the internet and online fandom, people whom I would likely never have met without it, and it's given me this amazing social support system. I don't want that to end here, and I want to preserve it for future generations so that they can have the same experience and opportunities I've been given through my online interactions.

I know that opinions on the seriousness of copyright infringement and online piracy vary wildly, but that isn't really the point. Internet giants such as Google are opposed to this bill, and it's pretty safe to say that they're not in favour of copyright infringment, as anyone who's ever had a fanvid taken down from YouTube will be painfully aware. Whatever your stance on copyright, this isn't the way to go about dealing with it. This is dangerous legislation that impeaches on some of our most basic human rights, such as the right to privacy and freedom of speech.

So if you're from the UK, please, please sign the petition. If you hail from elsewhere in the world, there may well be similar movements in your own country, but I think the most effective thing anybody can do right now is to keep talking about this. Talk about it on Livejournal, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook, and anywhere else you can think of. Make sure this issue is never far from people's minds. The internet is an amazingly powerful tool: let's utilise it while we still have the chance.

Please repost and spread the word :)

SAY NO TO ACTA!

Please consider reposting this, especially if you have a large proportion of UK flisties. And please consider spreading the word via other platforms: Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, your own personal network.

(Snagged from susan_ivanova_2)

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Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
 
 
Lydia
21 January 2012 @ 07:34 pm
Originally posted by morgandawn

Black March - Thursday March 1st 2012 to Saturday March 31st 2012 With the continuing campaigns for internet-censoring litigation such as SOPA and PIPA, and the closure of sites like Megaupload under allegations of &apos;piracy&apos; and &apos;conspiracy&apos; the time has come to take a stand against music, film, and media companies&apos; lobbyists. The only way is to hit them where it hurts. Their profit margins. March 2012 is the end of the First Quarter in economic reports world wide. Do not buy a single record. Do not download a single song, legally or illegally. Do not go to see a single film in cinemas, or download a copy. Do not buy a DVD in the stores. Do not buy a videogame. Do not buy a single book or magazine. Wait the four weeks to buy them in April: see a film later, etc... Holding out for just four weeks, maximum, will leave a gaping hole in media companies profits for the first quarter, an economic hit which will in turn be observed by governments world wide as stocks and shares will blip from a large enough loss of incomes. This action will give a statement of intent: &quot;We will not tolerate the Media Industries&apos; lobbying for legislation that will censor the internet.&quot;
Original image and campaign source: reddit.

Edited to add my own thoughts (not part of the original reddit call for action) And if you do not feel like taking a total break and perhaps want just a trial separation or couple's counseling, then perhaps consider Black March Lite 2.0 = spend, but spend money on those content creators and independent retailers who came out against SOPA/PIPA.  And tell them why you're buying their products in March.  There are many of them.

And for those who favor the more targeted boycott, you can find info  here.  But no matter which,  you can participate and you can tailor your level of participation.  We have the tools, the will and the strength to take a stand.


Text of image
Black March - Thursday March 1st 2012 to Saturday March 31st 2012
With the continuing campaigns for internet-censoring litigation such as SOPA and PIPA, and the closure of sites like Megaupload under allegations of 'piracy' and 'conspiracy' the time has come to take a stand against music, film, and media companies' lobbyists.
The only way is to hit them where it hurts.
Their profit margins.
March 2012 is the end of the First Quarter in economic reports world wide.
Do not buy a single record. Do not download a single song, legally or illegally. Do not go to see a single film in cinemas, or download a copy. Do not buy a DVD in the stores. Do not buy a videogame. Do not buy a single book or magazine.
Wait the four weeks to buy them in April: see a film later, etc... Holding out for just four weeks, maximum, will leave a gaping hole in media companies profits for the first quarter, an economic hit which will in turn be observed by governments world wide as stocks and shares will blip from a large enough loss of incomes. This action will give a statement of intent:
"We will not tolerate the Media Industries' lobbying for legislation that will censor the internet."
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Current Mood: pessimisticunconvinced
 
 
Lydia
04 January 2012 @ 11:06 pm
I've recently concluded that everything awesome that happened in 2011 was the result of some level of spontaneity, and I want to push that further in 2012. So that is my main resolution: to be more spontaneous.

Most of the rest of what I want to achieve this year stems from that:
To explore more of the local area
- I don't feel like i've taken enough advantage of living in London these past few years, so I want to see more of the city, and particularly where I live. When I first moved in I walked up to the village several times but haven't been back much since then, so I want to change that.
To see more theatre
- I was really good in First Year, but last year I barely saw any theatre, aside from the odd musical or Shakespeare. This year I want to see more experimental theatre, and stuff that I wouldn't normally go to see.
To do another drama course, possibly abroad
- Last summer in Barcelona was amazing and I learnt so so much. I want to have a similar experience this year; I'm thinking maybe France this time, as it's somewhere i've visited on school trips but i've never really seen much of (aside from World War One battlefields and Disneyland!)

Obviously to graduate is a key aim for the year, but that's not really a new resolution.
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Current Mood: hopefulhopeful