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24 January 2017 @ 04:02 pm
It's been a rough couple of months.

I was fully off the meds by early December, and felt terrible for the month surrounding that, but thankfully that faded before Christmas. Unfortunately, however, the Depression has only got worse since.

At first I thought it was just the after effects of the meds, it can take months to fully adjust, and I think initially that's all it was; I was crying every few days, and getting angry all the time. The last month though, it's changed; now I just feel like I'm stagnating. I can't focus on anything at all, I have no energy or motivation to do anything remotely productive.

Worst of all, I can't see any joy anywhere. Immediately my brain focuses in on the negatives of something, regardless of whether it's a good thing or not. On the odd occasion that I feel semi-alright, I find myself not wanting to admit it. I want to hide that away.

I also came to the worrying conclusion during a therapy session last week that being back home is only making it worse. When I first realised I was depressed, I moved back home with my parents, because it meant at least I was with other people, and not just isolated in my flat on my own all the time.

Now though, I just feel trapped here. I can't drive, and we live nowhere near any public transport links, so I have to rely on others to drive me places. I can't just do anything on my own. I can't just decide I want to go somewhere and go, and right now, I think that's what I really need, because I have terrible cabin fever all the time. I spend my days doing exactly the same thing, which is nothing, and I need a change of venue, or just a change, period.

I was watching this TEDx talk yesterday by Jessica Gimeno, in which she discusses some ways in which you can get things done even when Depression is trying to stop you. One of the key things she mentioned was 'urgency', that if you need/want to do something, you do it there and then, when you think of it, you don't leave it, because the longer you leave it the harder it is to actually do it.

The trouble is, I can't do stuff urgently because the process that is required to do so involves relying on someone else.

I don't feel like I'm living anymore. I just feel like I'm gradually counting down the seconds until I die, and I'm stuck in this vicious unchanged circle.

Up until recently, I regarded telling my mum about the Depression back in October 2015, as one of the hardest but best things I've done. Now though, I'm finding that part of me actually wishes I'd never told anyone. I don't feel like I can cry and be upset or angry anymore, because it's instantly about the Depression, and that's all my life is anymore. Every day, the first thing my mum asks me is how I am, and it's not a 'oh it's a new day, how are you?' kind of question. It's a 'you've got Depression, so how bad is it today?' kind of question. The depression has become all that my life is, and I don't know how to change that.

The therapist I've been seeing for a little over a year now, even she doesn't seem to really know how to help me anymore. I feel worse than I've done in years and yet she's started only seeing me once a month, and I have to push to get seen that often. I know I should change, I know I need a new therapist, but she's been so supportive, that the idea of starting again with someone else is just so overwhelming. I'm not the kind of person who openly talks about their feelings, I never have been, I probably never will be, so going to a therapist was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I don't know if I can go through that all over again with someone new.

I just feel so completely broken and lost, and no one seems to realise. I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and people can hear me but they're just not doing anything.

I know so much of getting over this is finding the strength in myself to do so, but I can't do that anymore. I'm exhausted, and lost and broken, and I need someone to help me, but no one is, and I don't know how much energy I have left to keep asking for help but not getting it.

And I know this whole post is a contradiction. That wanting everything to see I'm so broken, and yet not wanting everything to be about the deprssion, doesn't make sense, but it's like that's what it's like, but no one is seriously doing anything to help me, and I really really need someone to the help me right now.

I've no friends left. I thought maybe I might have some after I met up with a couple last summer for a wedding, but apparently not. And the worst thing about them is that I'd moved on, I'd thought that we were done as friends, we'd just drifted apart and that was life and I was okay with that, any hurt I once felt about that had gone and I'd movedon, and then out of the blue they get in contact again and keep it up and I tell them that I'm not in a great place, and I'm totally honest about everything that I've kept from them before, and they were supportive and were there for me, and then it just stopped again, and I don't have the energy I once had to keep trying. A couple of weeks ago I reached a point with Facebook where I just decided I was done with it, it just wasn't worth the energy. I think I posted something like 'i'm done' which okay was melodramatic and perhaps a blatant shout for attention, but that's where I am now. I go on occasionally still because there's a really good support group on there I'm a member of, but I haven't posted since, and no one's even noticed.

Actually that's a lie. One person did, and I think that made it harder, because the person that noticed, that messaged me multiple times to check I was okay. That send me voice messages, and gave me her phone number in case I just needed to talk, the one person who did that was a girl I spent all of two weeks with on an acting course one summer about six years ago. I've barely messaged or spoken to her once since, and yet she noticed, she reached out. Nothing from school friends or uni friends or friends I've known since childhood. That kind of says everything, doesn't it?

This post has turned into a complete blurt, but sometimes you just need to get it all out yknow.

I don't really know I posted this here. I'm getting flashbacks from years gone by when I wanted to ask for help but couldn't. The situation hasn't really changed, has it? The difference is now people actually know about it, but still don't know.

I just don't see an end to this. And I don't know how long I can cling onto the idea of not doing anything for the sake of not hurting others. My whole life I've not said and done things because I worried more about how others would feel than how I would by not saying/doing anything. And ironically that's what keeping me alive. How fucked up is that.